Scholarship student a massive bust, declares administration
Once projected as the next great achiever in the McGill community, U2 Science student Andrew Luba was harshly criticized during this week’s Board of Governor’s meeting, where administrative representatives firmly stated that they had finally given up any hope of the former phenom turning around his underwhelming academic career.
“They told me this kid was gonna be special, that he would give back to the university in so many different ways; so we gave him a nice, fat $10,000 entrance scholarship,” said Principal & Vice-Chancellor Suzanne Fortier. “He had it all: top percentile IB grades, extracurriculars, you name it. But here we are, a year-and-a-half later, and the guy can’t even maintain a 3.2 GPA, let alone elevate this school’s world-renowned reputation. Such blue-balls; am I using that right?”
“Ten grand, completely wasted,” she continued. “If we had that money back, maybe Lower Field wouldn’t look like such a mess right now.”
Despite Luba’s long list of accomplishments at the high school level, he has shown a complete disinterest in adding to it in university. Most experts agree that the post-secondary drop off is due to the long-distance gap between Luba and his overbearing parents, who can no longer police him and orchestrate his success from Toronto—something the administration was unaware of prior to choosing him.
According to Student Housing and Hospitality Representative Jasim Bird, academia hasn’t been the only area where Luba has disappointed.
“Scholarship winners automatically get placed in one of their number one residence choice,” explained Bird. “So for a top social prospect like Luba, giving him a spot in Gardner was a no-brainer. But honestly according to his floor fellow, this kid seemed to leave his room just a handful of times. Most people on the other wing didn’t even know who he was. We really expected more from him.”
When prompted for a response by our Radish Reporter, Luba opened his mouth to speak, but closed it before words came out.
“They told me this kid was gonna be special, that he would give back to the university in so many different ways; so we gave him a nice, fat $10,000 entrance scholarship,” said Principal & Vice-Chancellor Suzanne Fortier. “He had it all: top percentile IB grades, extracurriculars, you name it. But here we are, a year-and-a-half later, and the guy can’t even maintain a 3.2 GPA, let alone elevate this school’s world-renowned reputation. Such blue-balls; am I using that right?”
“Ten grand, completely wasted,” she continued. “If we had that money back, maybe Lower Field wouldn’t look like such a mess right now.”
Despite Luba’s long list of accomplishments at the high school level, he has shown a complete disinterest in adding to it in university. Most experts agree that the post-secondary drop off is due to the long-distance gap between Luba and his overbearing parents, who can no longer police him and orchestrate his success from Toronto—something the administration was unaware of prior to choosing him.
According to Student Housing and Hospitality Representative Jasim Bird, academia hasn’t been the only area where Luba has disappointed.
“Scholarship winners automatically get placed in one of their number one residence choice,” explained Bird. “So for a top social prospect like Luba, giving him a spot in Gardner was a no-brainer. But honestly according to his floor fellow, this kid seemed to leave his room just a handful of times. Most people on the other wing didn’t even know who he was. We really expected more from him.”
When prompted for a response by our Radish Reporter, Luba opened his mouth to speak, but closed it before words came out.